i don't even know what to write about anymore. my story remains the same, yet worse. still, somewhat better thanks to my family and friends keeping me going. i've been out of pain meds for a week and have no hope of getting any more anytime soon. my 'old' self is back: the 80-year-old Patrick who grunts everytime he gets up, lays down, or moves. everything hurts, even my hair. and i think i may have some kidney issues. also, i just found out that once again my mail isn't being delivered for some fucked up reason... which means my new driver's license was probably sent back to the state. and my application for GAMC is likely lost in the mix somewhere, too. it's likely due to my asshole bro-in-law, who totally fucked me over last summer when he told the post office that he didn't want my mail in his and my sister's box anymore. i'm pretty sure my car will be repoed within the next few weeks if not before. so, it's time to start selling what little I have for gas and food money. i tried to go to the food shelf here in eagan last week, but they said they needed me to come in for an appointment to get set up first... which isn't until tuesday. thanks to my sister shannon, i have enough food to last til tuesday. and thanks to my family, i'll not lose my stored posessions until at least may... but it looks like i'll need to sell off what i can just to live. still looking for a job, waiting to hear back from some employment agencies, and getting no help from vocational rehab services. i'm emotionally unstable right now, too. i'm OK one minute and freaking out the next, or whenever i allow myself to think about my entire situation. i'm about a grand in the hole in my checking account, and will likely have to open a new account elsewhere if/when i find work or smells fartgo will take anything and everything they can. and i just KNOW they'll catch up to me. bastards took bailout money from us taxpayers (well, i USED to pay taxes) and yet they'll go after any dollar they can grab from small fish like me.
ok. i think i'm through venting for now.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
#11 - My Open Letter to All Americans
Open letter to all Americans who own, demand or command attention and respect:
22.5 Months Unemployed, and Out of Options.
My name is Patrick. I'm 39, a commercial/graphic artist with a
life-long 'working' disability who has been unemployed since May,
2008. I'll get to the nut, hyperbole-free: since May, 2008, I lost my
job, cashed in my 401k, lost my health coverage (twice since then), my
apartment, my money, my health, my independence, and masticated my
pride long ago. All of my personal belongings have been in a storage unit since November, 2008. Today is March 17, 2010. St. Patrick's Day. And my
luck has run out, even after finding three 4-leaf clovers and one
five-leafer last summer AND sharing said-saint's name. My unemployment
ran out four weeks ago with no more extensions in sight. I'm overdrawn
in my checking account due to needing a prescription filled
(writing a rubber check), and the last time I had an actual savings
account was in high school. I'm sans-health insurance, too, as of January, 2010. Two days later one of my wisdom teeth cracked apart. With a
disability, and medications which I need to take regularly in order to
be functional, and having to pay retail for said medications, I'm left
with seemingly non-existent options. I could pawn my GPS, but if I get
calls for interviews it's highly likely I'll get lost somewhere here
in the Twin Cities metro area without it.
In November, 2008, I had to move in with my sister and her family for
eight months after I was evicted from my apartment. If it hadn't been
for her, well, I don't care to speculate. After my welcome was worn
out, mainly due to my sister's own financial issues (as well as mine), I
moved in with a friend, where I'm still living today, rent-free for
now. I had to leave my home town because all of the jobs in my field
dried up and/or were outsourced to the Philippines (i.e. Glenn Taylor
companies). The friend I'm staying with now was unemployed for over a
year as well, but finally found temporary employment last week. After
this, I'll have nowhere else to go without having my 70 year-old
mother compromise her own limited income just to shelter and feed me.
Well, there IS my car, I guess. If it isn't repoed... looks like I'll
be living on the lam and running from the banks. I HAVE always wanted
to take a road trip to see the USA, though... only not like the Joads.
I avidly keep up with current events, watch and read the news when I
can stand to without getting so frustrated and pissed off that I have
to disconnect from it for a while. The one theme I see is that
corporations have the US House and Senate BOUGHT and PAID for. BOTH
parties are guilty of this. And if you don't have the dough, you don't
pass 'go.' I won't get into the blind obstinance, hatred and greed of
the national Republican party, as it's painfully obvious to the discerning
mind. The problem with that is the general public is distracted from
the real issues with their own problems. I mean, who wants to or has
the time to look beyond the mainstream media for some sort of clarity
when they're working two and three jobs while trying to support their
family? And the two parties depend on this 'forced ignorance'. The spewing of lies
and misinformation sickens me, from the Tea 'Baggers' to Limbaugh to Glenn
Beck. And the so-called 'Blue Dog Dems' are just as bad, trying to
score kickbacks while decrying federal spending. In my opinion, the
whole system has been corrupted by greed and self-image. The Quants,
banks, Wall St., insurance companies and corporations (who are now legally 'people') are driven by one fuel: money. That's all. They see no individual human consequences to their actions. They just need to feed the green and gold monster. Nothing else equates.
If you consider yourself a true human being, you care deeply about
what's happening here and all over the world. I'm only one person. I
can only imagine what it's like to have a family in this crisis. I'm
at the end of my proverbial rope. I've experienced things over the
last 5-8 years I thought only existed in books or movies. I've never
been wealthy. Not even close. But I WAS considered middle-class at one
time. That's all changed. My mind is still middle-class, but my
physical self is 'untouchable.' I don't give a tinker's dam about an
individual congressperson's or senator's issues. They were hired to
work for the people, and most of them aren't doing it. I've applied
for nearly every kind of aid out there, and am waiting for a reply.
I've applied for countless jobs and have had two interviews in the
last year. The waiting game is over for me. My credit rating is in the
cellar. I can't take care of myself the way I used to. If I lose my
car to the bank I'll lose my ability to find work (but I can't drive
now because my tabs/plates are expired and can't renew them). I have
14 minutes left on my cell phone and -$175 in the bank. My family's in
nearly the same situation so they can't help me. And my friends have given me so much already that to expect more would be profane. But I'm not soliciting charity. I'm looking for a real chance, an opportunity to pull myself out of the quagmire with both hands. I have a college degree. I've paid my taxes. I do what every American is expected to do. But those opportunities are like the current incarnation of 'The American Dream': people claim it's still out there, but I'm not seeing it. It's time to think about people, REAL people in REAL peril. What little hope I have left is bouyed by my friends and family, but the bilge pump broke long ago. It's time to seal the cracks and begin again. And you can count me in.
With utmost sincerety,
Patrick D. Dentinger
22.5 Months Unemployed, and Out of Options.
My name is Patrick. I'm 39, a commercial/graphic artist with a
life-long 'working' disability who has been unemployed since May,
2008. I'll get to the nut, hyperbole-free: since May, 2008, I lost my
job, cashed in my 401k, lost my health coverage (twice since then), my
apartment, my money, my health, my independence, and masticated my
pride long ago. All of my personal belongings have been in a storage unit since November, 2008. Today is March 17, 2010. St. Patrick's Day. And my
luck has run out, even after finding three 4-leaf clovers and one
five-leafer last summer AND sharing said-saint's name. My unemployment
ran out four weeks ago with no more extensions in sight. I'm overdrawn
in my checking account due to needing a prescription filled
(writing a rubber check), and the last time I had an actual savings
account was in high school. I'm sans-health insurance, too, as of January, 2010. Two days later one of my wisdom teeth cracked apart. With a
disability, and medications which I need to take regularly in order to
be functional, and having to pay retail for said medications, I'm left
with seemingly non-existent options. I could pawn my GPS, but if I get
calls for interviews it's highly likely I'll get lost somewhere here
in the Twin Cities metro area without it.
In November, 2008, I had to move in with my sister and her family for
eight months after I was evicted from my apartment. If it hadn't been
for her, well, I don't care to speculate. After my welcome was worn
out, mainly due to my sister's own financial issues (as well as mine), I
moved in with a friend, where I'm still living today, rent-free for
now. I had to leave my home town because all of the jobs in my field
dried up and/or were outsourced to the Philippines (i.e. Glenn Taylor
companies). The friend I'm staying with now was unemployed for over a
year as well, but finally found temporary employment last week. After
this, I'll have nowhere else to go without having my 70 year-old
mother compromise her own limited income just to shelter and feed me.
Well, there IS my car, I guess. If it isn't repoed... looks like I'll
be living on the lam and running from the banks. I HAVE always wanted
to take a road trip to see the USA, though... only not like the Joads.
I avidly keep up with current events, watch and read the news when I
can stand to without getting so frustrated and pissed off that I have
to disconnect from it for a while. The one theme I see is that
corporations have the US House and Senate BOUGHT and PAID for. BOTH
parties are guilty of this. And if you don't have the dough, you don't
pass 'go.' I won't get into the blind obstinance, hatred and greed of
the national Republican party, as it's painfully obvious to the discerning
mind. The problem with that is the general public is distracted from
the real issues with their own problems. I mean, who wants to or has
the time to look beyond the mainstream media for some sort of clarity
when they're working two and three jobs while trying to support their
family? And the two parties depend on this 'forced ignorance'. The spewing of lies
and misinformation sickens me, from the Tea 'Baggers' to Limbaugh to Glenn
Beck. And the so-called 'Blue Dog Dems' are just as bad, trying to
score kickbacks while decrying federal spending. In my opinion, the
whole system has been corrupted by greed and self-image. The Quants,
banks, Wall St., insurance companies and corporations (who are now legally 'people') are driven by one fuel: money. That's all. They see no individual human consequences to their actions. They just need to feed the green and gold monster. Nothing else equates.
If you consider yourself a true human being, you care deeply about
what's happening here and all over the world. I'm only one person. I
can only imagine what it's like to have a family in this crisis. I'm
at the end of my proverbial rope. I've experienced things over the
last 5-8 years I thought only existed in books or movies. I've never
been wealthy. Not even close. But I WAS considered middle-class at one
time. That's all changed. My mind is still middle-class, but my
physical self is 'untouchable.' I don't give a tinker's dam about an
individual congressperson's or senator's issues. They were hired to
work for the people, and most of them aren't doing it. I've applied
for nearly every kind of aid out there, and am waiting for a reply.
I've applied for countless jobs and have had two interviews in the
last year. The waiting game is over for me. My credit rating is in the
cellar. I can't take care of myself the way I used to. If I lose my
car to the bank I'll lose my ability to find work (but I can't drive
now because my tabs/plates are expired and can't renew them). I have
14 minutes left on my cell phone and -$175 in the bank. My family's in
nearly the same situation so they can't help me. And my friends have given me so much already that to expect more would be profane. But I'm not soliciting charity. I'm looking for a real chance, an opportunity to pull myself out of the quagmire with both hands. I have a college degree. I've paid my taxes. I do what every American is expected to do. But those opportunities are like the current incarnation of 'The American Dream': people claim it's still out there, but I'm not seeing it. It's time to think about people, REAL people in REAL peril. What little hope I have left is bouyed by my friends and family, but the bilge pump broke long ago. It's time to seal the cracks and begin again. And you can count me in.
With utmost sincerety,
Patrick D. Dentinger
Thursday, March 11, 2010
#10 - circling the drain
i just placed a refill order on my pain med, with no money to pay for it. a nice rubber check to float until... i have no idea. i need my med to function properly. and i have an interview tomorrow AM... which was supposed to be yesterday but because i have gabapentin withdrawals... i'm all out of hope, except for my interview. and even that is iffy. i'm about to break another rule by driving w/ expired tabs, which i can not afford, either. nor $18.50 for a new driver's license. i know i'll have to pay IN for taxes this year, too. and i can't even file until i have money. i've felt near-tears multiple times this week, but the tears don't come. if only my emotional numbness transfered to the physical.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
#09 - Like a cat tied to a stick
i have to vent. badly. i feel like a cat tied to a stick. i'm in financial straits and have no real options right now. i'm overdrawn in my checking account, i'm behind on my car payment, credit cards, have no money for food, gas or for my prescriptions i'll need refilled in the next few days. no one in my immediate family has the capability to loan me money, and even if they did, i have no idea how or when i'll be able to repay it. my license tabs are due next week, and i need to get my driver's license renewed. and until i do, i can't go to a food shelf w/o current ID. my friend tad is allowing me to stay here (at his place) rent-free, for now. if i don't have some sort of income in the next few weeks... well, it can't really get much worse than now... except that i may lose my car and have bill collectors constantly hounding me. right now i'm at a complete loss as to what to do next. i want to do things, but w/o money or a 'legal' car to drive soon, i'm stuck. like a cat tied to a stick.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
#08 - 22 months
i feel sick today. it's a general malaise mixed with occasional nausea, chills and cold sweats. sounds like the withdrawals...
i applied for 3 part-time jobs today. the pay sucks but i have to do something. i'll have an overdraft tomorrow when my insurance payment is posted. i have no other source of money. almost out of food, meds, gasoline, minutes on my cell, hope, etc. and as of today, i've been unemployed for 22 months. 22 fucking months. god bless this mess.
i'm tired.
i applied for 3 part-time jobs today. the pay sucks but i have to do something. i'll have an overdraft tomorrow when my insurance payment is posted. i have no other source of money. almost out of food, meds, gasoline, minutes on my cell, hope, etc. and as of today, i've been unemployed for 22 months. 22 fucking months. god bless this mess.
i'm tired.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
#07 - Decelerate to the LCD
decelerate to the "L"owest "C"ommon "D"enominator. my drag chute has been deployed to the lowest common denominator. my unemployment ran out last week... after weekly coverage since june, 2008. and in the U.S. of A, $ equals a voice, and mine has been silenced, as assuredly as a tea-bagger's delight in any obama failure.
i've been staying at my sister shannon's place since monday night while she and her boyfriend have been on vacation in vegas. and officially it's been my last hurrah... before reality kicks in. or, at least, until i allow reality back in. but reality will not be denied, no matter my absolute resolve to the contrary. tonight is my last night of exile-denial, so best make the most of it.
at 7:30 AM on tuesday the 23rd, just minutes after i left shannon and her boyfriend at the MSP airport, a 3-car fatal crash on MN I-494 spared me by inches. a flash of mopar silver caught my eye in the rear-view within seconds of the driver's demise. the shock hit me immediately, but the reality didn't bite until i got home. a soul escaped its mortal shell just feet from me. i'm not used to that. 4 days later and it's still strange.
my problems are but a whisper of the real assault on humanity in its current form. humans at this very moment are drawing their last breath while i drink vodka and lament my situation in a centrally-heated shelter. i feel like i'm a whiny little bitch in the grand scheme of things. yet at the same time i feel robbed of the "American Dream" i was 'promised' so long ago. i think i've been deluded to that "American Dream" I was told of in elementary school... where our worries were, at their worst, a trifle in comparison. we, in 1980, dwelled on who shot "J.R." rather than how "The Dukes of Hazzard" would affect our culture in the long run. I have nephews who're died-in-the-wool 'conservatives' who live to work and work to live. they don't concern themselves with current events. they have survival to worry about instead. 23 and divergent of original thought. what have we become? our focus has been diverted from life to "living."
I just spent the last 12 hours watching "WW2 in HD" on the History Channel. and i've been impacted by the prevailing vein of humanity in it. "Average" Joes in WW2 who gave of themselves but expected nothing in return except the theory of freedom which was projected upon Americans during WW2. I had at least 3 uncles directly affected by WW2. my uncle Stan was a belly-ball-turret gunner on a B-17 and flew over 35 missions over Germany... ubiquitously bombing ancesetors in the meantime, as the Dentingers are/were of German/French ancestry. i never asked Uncle Stan if he thought about the people he and the Americans bombed in WW2, and if he once thought about the possible ancestors he helped bomb. but i DID ask him if he ever shot down a German plane from his belly ball turret. He said 'yes', but refrained from elaborating. i took this as a non-sequiter to any further questions... though now i wish i had asked the questions i had before he died in 2004. life will always be a "what if" scenario...
as i listen to Pink Floyd's "Time" i reminisce back to 1988-1989 in high school. i had an 8th -hour Astronomy class. our teacher, Mr. Heil would allow our class 1 song at the beginning of class. Sean Anderson, thank GOD, chose "Pink Floyd" as the theme music, and "Wish You Were Here" as the soundtrack. My life will NEVER be the same again. Thank You, Brits! I will always love you.
but the bottom line will be, and will always be, to ME, the 'sigfried line.' will you slide your right hand past her 'maginal' line? at this point i just want to blow some motherfuckers to kingdom come. "BOOM!"
yet here i am. alone. yet together in the fight for human decency. i want to FUCK. i want to LOVE. i WANT. that is all.
i've been staying at my sister shannon's place since monday night while she and her boyfriend have been on vacation in vegas. and officially it's been my last hurrah... before reality kicks in. or, at least, until i allow reality back in. but reality will not be denied, no matter my absolute resolve to the contrary. tonight is my last night of exile-denial, so best make the most of it.
at 7:30 AM on tuesday the 23rd, just minutes after i left shannon and her boyfriend at the MSP airport, a 3-car fatal crash on MN I-494 spared me by inches. a flash of mopar silver caught my eye in the rear-view within seconds of the driver's demise. the shock hit me immediately, but the reality didn't bite until i got home. a soul escaped its mortal shell just feet from me. i'm not used to that. 4 days later and it's still strange.
my problems are but a whisper of the real assault on humanity in its current form. humans at this very moment are drawing their last breath while i drink vodka and lament my situation in a centrally-heated shelter. i feel like i'm a whiny little bitch in the grand scheme of things. yet at the same time i feel robbed of the "American Dream" i was 'promised' so long ago. i think i've been deluded to that "American Dream" I was told of in elementary school... where our worries were, at their worst, a trifle in comparison. we, in 1980, dwelled on who shot "J.R." rather than how "The Dukes of Hazzard" would affect our culture in the long run. I have nephews who're died-in-the-wool 'conservatives' who live to work and work to live. they don't concern themselves with current events. they have survival to worry about instead. 23 and divergent of original thought. what have we become? our focus has been diverted from life to "living."
I just spent the last 12 hours watching "WW2 in HD" on the History Channel. and i've been impacted by the prevailing vein of humanity in it. "Average" Joes in WW2 who gave of themselves but expected nothing in return except the theory of freedom which was projected upon Americans during WW2. I had at least 3 uncles directly affected by WW2. my uncle Stan was a belly-ball-turret gunner on a B-17 and flew over 35 missions over Germany... ubiquitously bombing ancesetors in the meantime, as the Dentingers are/were of German/French ancestry. i never asked Uncle Stan if he thought about the people he and the Americans bombed in WW2, and if he once thought about the possible ancestors he helped bomb. but i DID ask him if he ever shot down a German plane from his belly ball turret. He said 'yes', but refrained from elaborating. i took this as a non-sequiter to any further questions... though now i wish i had asked the questions i had before he died in 2004. life will always be a "what if" scenario...
as i listen to Pink Floyd's "Time" i reminisce back to 1988-1989 in high school. i had an 8th -hour Astronomy class. our teacher, Mr. Heil would allow our class 1 song at the beginning of class. Sean Anderson, thank GOD, chose "Pink Floyd" as the theme music, and "Wish You Were Here" as the soundtrack. My life will NEVER be the same again. Thank You, Brits! I will always love you.
but the bottom line will be, and will always be, to ME, the 'sigfried line.' will you slide your right hand past her 'maginal' line? at this point i just want to blow some motherfuckers to kingdom come. "BOOM!"
yet here i am. alone. yet together in the fight for human decency. i want to FUCK. i want to LOVE. i WANT. that is all.
Monday, February 22, 2010
#06 - What now?
it's 6:28 AM. i'm awake. forgot to take my trazodone. i just applied for a non-existent unemployment payment. i thought i'd have to reapply, but that option wasn't available to me. when i applied for my weekly payment it said i was authorized to receive $0, BUT said i may get the additional $25 a week as usual. sweet. $25/week. am i in 1930 and not aware of it?
i don't feel like typing anymore...
i don't feel like typing anymore...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
#05 - I can't wait til #9!
number ni-nah... number ni-nah. ahh, the beatles.
so, what's on my mind? why am i here right now? fuck, i don't know. it's a combination of gabapentin and dr. wackyman's homeopathic cure-all herbal remedy. i can't keep a straight thought. i was worked up a minute ago, seemingly, about what, i do not know. and when i got here, i gapped out. this happens quite frequently, and it's not always caused by the meds. i'm getting a glimpse into the world of hunter s. thompson... and i don't fucking care right now. meh. yeah, i give up a lot. but it doesn't usually last long. one time 2 years ago, when i was sick as hell from the oxy and about to be fired, i decided to give up. i mean, REALLY give up. to stop trying to do anything... you have to let go sometimes. it's a 24/7 'battle' against my own body, mind and soul. it's emotionally exhausting, inevitably. so, in order to survive, you have to cut it off. put down your arms and surrender, just for the rest... and sometimes, very seldomly, the thought of giving up 'the ghost' seems like a logical option. i've never seriously considered the actual act of suicide. not yet. but i could see it being an option in the event of a fatal ilness. why waste away in pain and agony while your family goes deeper in debt? to make everyone else's conscience clear? no. not for me. as a wise man once said, "I'm the one who has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to. Yeah." of course, this same wise man also suffocated on his own vomit and died at age 27. getting back to my point about giving up... when i decided to just lay in bed and never get back up. that lasted about 2 hours, when i started sketching out some idea i had for a drawing or design. it's hard-wired into me. i can't escape it. the 'power' or the 'energy' keeps me going, even when i try to give in and give up. is it the survival instinct? if that's the only reason, well, i'll take it. i assume some would suggest that this instinct is 'god'. hmmm. maybe. but i'm still not convinced. i do believe there's an energy that courses through everything in the universe, and that we're all vibrating at certain frequencies which 'attract' one person to another, and like-minded people gather together because of it. 'the laws of attraction,' or something. but, in a nut, good attracts good and bad attracts bad. throw in chaos theory, and there's your grand plan. did you know that the Earth vibrates at between 7-10 hz, which is the same hz. range for alpha brain waves in the human brain? alpha waves are thought to indicate that the brain is in a meditative state and aids in the creativity mindset. we're all connected, people. to the earth, to the sky, to the universe. call it new age bunk or hippie pap. but i see connections.
so, what's on my mind? why am i here right now? fuck, i don't know. it's a combination of gabapentin and dr. wackyman's homeopathic cure-all herbal remedy. i can't keep a straight thought. i was worked up a minute ago, seemingly, about what, i do not know. and when i got here, i gapped out. this happens quite frequently, and it's not always caused by the meds. i'm getting a glimpse into the world of hunter s. thompson... and i don't fucking care right now. meh. yeah, i give up a lot. but it doesn't usually last long. one time 2 years ago, when i was sick as hell from the oxy and about to be fired, i decided to give up. i mean, REALLY give up. to stop trying to do anything... you have to let go sometimes. it's a 24/7 'battle' against my own body, mind and soul. it's emotionally exhausting, inevitably. so, in order to survive, you have to cut it off. put down your arms and surrender, just for the rest... and sometimes, very seldomly, the thought of giving up 'the ghost' seems like a logical option. i've never seriously considered the actual act of suicide. not yet. but i could see it being an option in the event of a fatal ilness. why waste away in pain and agony while your family goes deeper in debt? to make everyone else's conscience clear? no. not for me. as a wise man once said, "I'm the one who has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to. Yeah." of course, this same wise man also suffocated on his own vomit and died at age 27. getting back to my point about giving up... when i decided to just lay in bed and never get back up. that lasted about 2 hours, when i started sketching out some idea i had for a drawing or design. it's hard-wired into me. i can't escape it. the 'power' or the 'energy' keeps me going, even when i try to give in and give up. is it the survival instinct? if that's the only reason, well, i'll take it. i assume some would suggest that this instinct is 'god'. hmmm. maybe. but i'm still not convinced. i do believe there's an energy that courses through everything in the universe, and that we're all vibrating at certain frequencies which 'attract' one person to another, and like-minded people gather together because of it. 'the laws of attraction,' or something. but, in a nut, good attracts good and bad attracts bad. throw in chaos theory, and there's your grand plan. did you know that the Earth vibrates at between 7-10 hz, which is the same hz. range for alpha brain waves in the human brain? alpha waves are thought to indicate that the brain is in a meditative state and aids in the creativity mindset. we're all connected, people. to the earth, to the sky, to the universe. call it new age bunk or hippie pap. but i see connections.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
#04 - Fuck!
goddamn it! i'm so fucking sick and tired of forgetting shit! i take part of the blame, but the rest goes to oxy-fucking-contin. OxyContin: the secret scurge of american medicine. it seriously messed me up. and now i'm on Gabapentin, which also affects concentration and causes memory 'blanks'. it seems i can't win. yet.
what started this tirade? i don't remember how to type certain characters used in foreign language. i used to know this shit like the back of my hand. i used to create actual fonts for chris' sake. but i've been finding, ironically, that in the last few years, because of the drugs, a lot of what happened in my life is either a haze or completely gone. i co-host 2 podcasts right now, and when it's time for me to say something, i 'gap out'. it's almost like a hiccup. i open my mouth and nothing happens. and when i DO start speaking, i hesitate in nearly every sentence. my brain shifts into neutral and sticks there. and new clutches are expensive.
i feel a little better now. i focused my rage into typing, and it worked. huh. neat.
what started this tirade? i don't remember how to type certain characters used in foreign language. i used to know this shit like the back of my hand. i used to create actual fonts for chris' sake. but i've been finding, ironically, that in the last few years, because of the drugs, a lot of what happened in my life is either a haze or completely gone. i co-host 2 podcasts right now, and when it's time for me to say something, i 'gap out'. it's almost like a hiccup. i open my mouth and nothing happens. and when i DO start speaking, i hesitate in nearly every sentence. my brain shifts into neutral and sticks there. and new clutches are expensive.
i feel a little better now. i focused my rage into typing, and it worked. huh. neat.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
#03 - "Feral Artist"
i figured i had better explain my blog name: "The Feral Artist". you see, i've been unemployed for nearly 2 years, but before then, i had worked nearly 14 years in an office environment. now that i've been 'out' i'm not so sure i'd be able to re-adapt to it again. i swear w/o thinking, i make quips that would offend the highly-sensitive, i can't concentrate, my hygiene is, well... anyway, you get the idea. AND, i want to state as clearly as i can this important decree: I am not writing this blog for sympathy of ANY kind, though i know when sharing emotions and thoughts it can seem as if one were soliciting pity or help. I am not.
i HAVE been trying, though. not as much as i could if i put my entire mind to it, but something is better than nothing i guess. it's an uphill battle, though. with the economy as it is it's tough enough, but add on that the print side of design is, as we used to know it, dead. and i have no experience or training in web or interactive, which nearly every job listing requires. to be honest, web is not where my passion lies. at all. i mean, i'd like to gain a good, solid handle on it for myself, but HTML, CSS, etc. gets into tedious programming, which i am too scatter-brained to be as precise as i'd need to be. but i'd love to learn animation, whether it be Flash or otherwise. i doubt my concentration skills... i know i'm not that patient. but maybe i can develop my patience and concentration if i really tried. i just can't find the motivation. i think what i need to do is simply come up with a story idea to animate. one that i'd be passionate about enough to dedicate the time. i better start with sketches and storyboards first. we'll see how that goes.
i'm meeting with the dakota co. vocational rehab services tomorrow to start planning my future. it may be a job, but it'll likely be school. i think i want to study photography and/or video production. photography can't be outsourced nearly as easily as print and web design can be. or so i figure. and i've been very interested in film for years now. 2-3 years in school, with loans and financial aid, should be enough time to see where this economy will go. i was told that i have a free ride through school, so i'd be stupid not to.
finally, here's a poem i wrote last night. it's the first poem i've written and finished in at least 2 years. it's not great, but here it is, anyway:
- no title -
With the flick of my thumb the transformation begins.
The spark ignites, the blossom burns.
My chest inflates, my heart palpitates, my lungs deflate.
Then I wait...
My furrowed brow is melting now.
I feel my face elongate,
from pinched and puckered
to pliable and placid.
The melt continues through my limbs
like a leafless tree on a warm and humid spring day.
I am now a conduit of the vibrations all around me.
Each note, every pluck
like a lightning bolt through my spine.
My being is tuned into the collective vibe,
the ambient sphere of mood.
I am fluid now, free of form in body and mind.
Even free of gravity, ever so modestly.
I feel I'm floating away from the weight of reason.
I succumb to the numb.
The sofa revolution has only just begun.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
#02 - 2:19 AM
entry #2. it's 2:19 AM central. my nights are growing longer again... it could be all the nicotine lozenges i've been gnawing on. it could be the caffeine tabs i take for a boost of energy as chronic fatigue is a symptom of CED (Camurati-Engelmann's Disease). the funny thing is, i'm wide awake. so much for chronic fatigue. i wish i could find a 'fix' for my emotional fatigue. FYI: pot works, but only for so long. i also find that it makes me anti-social. both pot and the emotional fatigue. 'fatigue.' every time i see that word i think of bugs bunny's phonetical pronunciation: "Fah-tee-cued".
my current 'joy' is listening to my top-rated songs on shuffle in iTunes. 'nothingness' acoustic version by living colour is playing now. years ago, in my over-dramatic days, i decided that i'd have this song played at my funeral. "Nothingness. All I have to feel is my loneliness. Nothing in the attic 'cept an empty chest, and nothing lasts forever." that was when i went a span of 4-6 months prior to graduating college dreaming and thinking of my possible premature demise. i slept little. lack of sleep can do some crazy-ass things to the human psyche... yet i still stay up late, sometimes all night. i guess that could explain a lot of things about me. i've been working on a campaign logo for a republican cousin of mine. it depresses me when i have a project like this that i can't get excited about. you'd think getting paid would do it, but no. but it's for my cousin, so that will be my motivation... unless she doesn't win the nomination today. hmmm... observation: shuffling your music, especially when cross-genre-ing, can be a strange trip. i went from 'Nothingness' to 'Love Shack'. 1 minute i'm wallowing in sad beauty, the next i'm doing the 'white man's overbite'. eh, such is my life. happy 1 minute, anything but happy the next.
guess i'll try to sleep now. adios, my friends.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
#01 - It Begins
this is my 3rd attempt at blogging. i haven't been in a 'writing mood' for a long time, and actually, i'm really not at this moment. but i wanted to get this thing started. now that i have started, it's likely i'll keep at it. this will be my 'vent' on anything and everything, from politics to movies to personal things that may disturb any 'delicate' passer-by, so fair warning.
so, here's my story in a nutshell: i'm 39, an artist, with a disability, and i've been unemployed since may, 2008. my UI (unemployment) benefits will expire in 3 weeks. i was discriminated against at my last employer due to health problems and attendance, but mainly the friction was due largely to cronyism, ignorance and corporatism. i spent from 2005 to 2008 on opiate painkillers (due to chronic pain associated with my disability) and i'm still dealing with the aftermath to this day. in the span of 2 years i broke my right arm which required reconstructive surgery, was in 2 car accidents in the span of 2 weeks (the 2nd crash totaled my car and aggrivated my broken arm), was fired from my job, went through opiate withdrawals 7-10 times, was evicted from my apartment, and haven't had my own place to live since november, 2008. most of my belongings are still in a storage unit. i spent 8 months at my sister's place until my broken arm lawsuit was concluded, then moved in with a friend where i have 1 room to myself. i lost another friend last summer in a freak accident. 2 weeks ago i lost my health insurance due largely to bureaucracy. and, as fate would have it, one of my wisdom teeth shattered into pieces just days after that. luckily it's not at all painful yet. what is painful is buying my prescriptions at retail prices. that, and loneliness.
but not all was or is bad. not by a long shot. my friends and family picked me up and saved me when i was down. one friend held a fundraiser for me when my medical bills mounted. another friend donated $5500 of his own money when health issues cut my work hours back. my brother single-handedly moved all of my furniture and belongings into storage over 2 days with minimal help, while my then 69 year-old mother helped pack and clean. my sister let me stay with her, her husband, and son, for 8 months, even while they had financial problems of their own. a work associate-turned-friend took up a collection for me, and even offered to loan me over $1500 so i wouldn't have to be evicted. i didn't accept the loan, but humbly accepted her collective cash gift. this is only a sampling of the generosity extended to me. in many ways i'm lucky. very lucky. but i still have a ways to go to get back on my feet, which starts with finding a job or some kind of regular income. and therein lies my next challenge.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
