#05 - I can't wait til #9!

number ni-nah... number ni-nah. ahh, the beatles.

so, what's on my mind? why am i here right now? fuck, i don't know. it's a combination of gabapentin and dr. wackyman's homeopathic cure-all herbal remedy. i can't keep a straight thought. i was worked up a minute ago, seemingly, about what, i do not know. and when i got here, i gapped out. this happens quite frequently, and it's not always caused by the meds. i'm getting a glimpse into the world of hunter s. thompson... and i don't fucking care right now. meh. yeah, i give up a lot. but it doesn't usually last long. one time 2 years ago, when i was sick as hell from the oxy and about to be fired, i decided to give up. i mean, REALLY give up. to stop trying to do anything... you have to let go sometimes. it's a 24/7 'battle' against my own body, mind and soul. it's emotionally exhausting, inevitably. so, in order to survive, you have to cut it off. put down your arms and surrender, just for the rest... and sometimes, very seldomly, the thought of giving up 'the ghost' seems like a logical option. i've never seriously considered the actual act of suicide. not yet. but i could see it being an option in the event of a fatal ilness. why waste away in pain and agony while your family goes deeper in debt? to make everyone else's conscience clear? no. not for me. as a wise man once said, "I'm the one who has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to. Yeah." of course, this same wise man also suffocated on his own vomit and died at age 27. getting back to my point about giving up... when i decided to just lay in bed and never get back up. that lasted about 2 hours, when i started sketching out some idea i had for a drawing or design. it's hard-wired into me. i can't escape it. the 'power' or the 'energy' keeps me going, even when i try to give in and give up. is it the survival instinct? if that's the only reason, well, i'll take it. i assume some would suggest that this instinct is 'god'. hmmm. maybe. but i'm still not convinced. i do believe there's an energy that courses through everything in the universe, and that we're all vibrating at certain frequencies which 'attract' one person to another, and like-minded people gather together because of it. 'the laws of attraction,' or something. but, in a nut, good attracts good and bad attracts bad. throw in chaos theory, and there's your grand plan. did you know that the Earth vibrates at between 7-10 hz, which is the same hz. range for alpha brain waves in the human brain? alpha waves are thought to indicate that the brain is in a meditative state and aids in the creativity mindset. we're all connected, people. to the earth, to the sky, to the universe. call it new age bunk or hippie pap. but i see connections.