#16: "The Unbearable Dish"

it's over. 48 hours of controlled chaos resulted in a little film titled "The Unbearable Dish". http://youtu.be/mnU4nG5nDrs

what a trip... the team we built was an amazing collection of creativity. experienced and newbie alike ALL kicked ass. my friend teresa (TS) had never acted before, on stage or screen, and she KILLED it! god i'm proud of her. i flew her in from boston to participate. we hadn't seen each other in 2 years, though we do keep in touch regularly. i wanted her music she wrote for my film... she began a new song about hotdish but we ran out of time. no matter. everything else she did was incredible. the rest of the team was amazing as well. travis' performance was nothing short of brilliant. zilah was... zillah. enough said. julie, our DP, shot the film just as it should have been. it was a mockumentary, and her shooting style meshed perfectly with the genre. karrey ran her ass off to wrangle up paperwork and brought TS to the airport so i could stay and help finish the flick. kelly and marco 'volunteered' their house... or more like allowed us to INVADE their home for the entire weekend. if we hadn't had their home to gather, work, live, sleep, etc... i doubt this film would have been made. or, at the very least, made in the same way. here are some highlights from the weekend:

• No one on the team ever made a short film. Z was in a short, but she didn't take part in the creative process.

• No script was written. All lines/dialogue were improvised on the spot while filming, and I believe all of the shots we used were 1st takes as we shot very few 2nd takes.

• Nobody knew Adobe Premiere well, yet 4 of us managed to piece together a 6 minute, 42 second film.

• We (Zillah) finished the movie on the way to Minneapolis on my macbook while i drove 90, and we finished it and turned it in with no time to spare. we didn't get it entered in time for the prizes, but we made the public viewing deadline.

• i drew the genre 'mockumentary'... my friend eric was an actor in a 48HFP movie back in '08, and it was a mockumentary. it is because of eric my movie was made, and the main reason i entered a team this year. it is in his name i dedicate my film.

• I lost my iPod.

there's a lot more but you get the gist.

now that it's over i feel this void... i have nothing to work towards right now. i was surrounded by a group of artists who gave off so much creative energy it recharged my batteries. when our group departed my energy dropped. i feel i really need to surround myself with creative minds and energy. it's something that was sorely missing from my life for the last few years, and now that i've had a taste of it again i want more. MORE! unfortunately our group is split apart in various ways... geographically, time and commitment-wise, etc. Zillah leaves for the left coast in mid-july. TS is back in boston. the rest of the team's in mankato and i'm in eagan. i suddenly feel alone. isolated. sequestered. i don't know what to do with this feeling of emptiness right now. i feel GREAT, yet i feel alone. a mixed bag of emotions, as usual.

what's next?

#15: 48 hours

man, life's been great. i mean, really great. i've entered a team in the minneapolis 48 hr. film project. i'm in over my head and loving it. no expectations. my 'company' is called 'Feral Art Productions'. FAP. yeah, FAP! in case you don't know, the term 'fap' is slang for masturbation. i had no idea until i learned it in a webcam girl's room a few months ago (hi BUNNIE!). yeah, i fap. and so do you. get over it. anyway, FAP will attempt to write, film and edit a short film in 48 hrs. i'm building a great team so far. my friend karrey, whom i've known since college. she's... how do you describe karrey? wow. she's a pistol. a doll. and a hell of a person. my friend zillah, who has so much experience in writing, acting, filming, editing, idea-ing... we spent 5 hours brainstorming on friday. i'm learning to clear blocks from my thought process; to not be afraid of asking or doing anything creatively. zillah is... man. how does one describe zillah? my plebian vernacular could do her no justice. ha... i was about to say, "well, in a nutshell...", but there's not a shell big enough. easily the greatest actress known by me personally, one hell of a singing voice, a lust for life that rivals few, yet as vulnerable as a child's trust. then there are a few more people, some i know, some i just met, and some yet to meet.

OK, so my life's going along great, when all of a sudden, from out of a blind spot it smashes into me... that OLD, CREEPY, SICKLY feeling. the feeling that, no matter how bad it makes you feel, you're compelled beyond reason to wallow in it. i'm soaking in it now. self-pity. loneliness. unrequited love. whatever you call it. it's a feeling i thought long dead in me. being sick, doped, depressed for so long dulled me to ever feeling interest in the opposite sex again. and having to scrape up change to buy a day's meal on a regular basis does wonders for your libido. you wonder if you'll ever see it again. but it IS there, lurking, skulking in the dark recesses of your psyche just waiting to pounce at the first sign of weakness. then the battle between libido and reason begins...

luckily, reason usually wins. usually.

#14: Lazy haze

OK, so much for regularly blogging. I've turned into an even lazier bitch than before. With money in the bank I don't have the daily worry of finding income, food, etc., and so I've been decompressing. I don't think it's possible to decompress any more... if I do I'll liquify. I need focus, drive, and will. Anyone have a cup I can borrow?

#13: The Feral Artist REBOOT

Hi. Remember me? I haven't posted in nearly a year. in between post former and latter my life's... wow. Fuck. Seriously. Where do I start? OK, between April, 2010 and July, 2010... a lot of the same (unemployed since May '08, no health insurance, no income whatsoever unless you count all the CDs and DVDs I sold). Oh, with the exception of going to see "Tool" with Eric, and it kicked ass! How do I get the following story out with any sense of lucidity when every time I think of July 16th my mind blacks out and I stare blankly into the ether? A mutual friend of Eric's and mine, Rich, emailed, texted, called me all within a few minutes with a message to call him. The warning light in my mind began flashing. Rich doesn't call, email and text me that often... maybe a few times a year. So I pretty much knew it was about Eric. Was he in an accident? Did he have a relapse and go back into alcohol treatment for the third time in as many years? Was he in jail? Was he sick? I called Rich immediately... there goes my blank brain stare again... Eric... died. Eric is... dead. He... killed... himself. His sister Lori found him the day before, and from what I understand, Eric had been there, dead, for at least two days. He had a relapse, binged all weekend prior, and in my mind, couldn't bear the thought of going through the whole fucking treatment/relapse/addiction/depression shit anymore... he found his final solution in pills and a blade. And you know what? I don't blame him. I can't blame him, especially when the same solution had crossed my mind more times than I could calculate.

Between 2005 and 2008 I was on opiate painkillers for my chronic pain, namely oxycontin. A schema-mutating drug which is twice as potent as morphine and can and does fuck people up in a myriad of ways. I felt physically ill for two years straight, from the pain, from the meds, from my job. So what was my solution? Take MORE painkillers. "You need to get to work, bitch!" I'd say to myself. So I'd set my alarm a half hour before I needed to get up so I could dose up on oxy and adderall. When the second alarm rang, the meds had kicked in and I'd be feeling pretty good. No pain. No nausea. Is that a burst of energy I feel? WTF is that?! Chronic pain AND chronic fatigue, all fixed with a few pills. But in the end I felt like I had lost my balance running down a hill, and as I'd attempt to right myself I would stumble even faster to the inevitable conclusion: hello pavement. So that's why, even though I never seriously planned it, suicide was another viable option to take. And that was Eric's choice. There have been moments in my life in the last year when my family would call to check in on me and ask "You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?" This was one of those moments. No. At least, not yet.

Over the course of the next few months Eric's family was in contact with me, mainly his sister, Lori. The family decided, and according to Eric's last wishes to make sure his friends were taken care of, I got to walk through Eric's townhome and basically pick, choose, and take anything I wanted. Even before his other friends. I was humbled. Eric keeps giving to me even after he's gone. So now, in my one room which I have to myself, I'm surrounded by Eric's 'earthly remains'. The artwork he bought from me over the years... meteorology books... X-Files DVDs... and his prized Simpsons sketches he fished out of the dumpster at Fox studios when he lived in L.A. Needless to say, I think of, and 'see' Eric every day. Lori even drove out of her way to pick me up, load her SUV full of Eric's things, drive me home AND unload everything. She did this on two separate occasions. Lori is easily one of the sweetest, selfless and genuine people anyone could hope to know. We vowed to stay in touch and try to get together again.

A little over a month ago I received a certified letter from a law office in Mankato, MN. I was foretold it contained a letter from Eric's family along with a gift in thanks for my friendship with Eric and the family. A gift? But I have my inheritance from Eric already. And as far as thanking me for my friendship? That's as necessary as thanking yourself for breathing, eating, etc. Eric was a true kindred spirit. He gave of himself freely. He was there for me, literally in some cases, every step of the way. So thanking me for that just seems unnecessary to the Nth degree. But nonetheless appreciated. I was... completely gobsmacked. Blank brain stare....... The Jacobson's gift has changed my life. For the first time in years I look forward to the future. I now have the tools to start the next chapter of my life. Thankfully I'm virtually pain free now without opiates. I feel better physically than I have in the last four or five years. That's not to say I don't have permanent reminders of my time immersed in opiates. My muscles atrophied. The big curve in my spine grew. I have hernias, and my memory is intermittent. The important lessons in life are the hardest to learn. Class dismissed.

#12

i don't even know what to write about anymore. my story remains the same, yet worse. still, somewhat better thanks to my family and friends keeping me going. i've been out of pain meds for a week and have no hope of getting any more anytime soon. my 'old' self is back: the 80-year-old Patrick who grunts everytime he gets up, lays down, or moves. everything hurts, even my hair. and i think i may have some kidney issues. also, i just found out that once again my mail isn't being delivered for some fucked up reason... which means my new driver's license was probably sent back to the state. and my application for GAMC is likely lost in the mix somewhere, too. it's likely due to my asshole bro-in-law, who totally fucked me over last summer when he told the post office that he didn't want my mail in his and my sister's box anymore. i'm pretty sure my car will be repoed within the next few weeks if not before. so, it's time to start selling what little I have for gas and food money. i tried to go to the food shelf here in eagan last week, but they said they needed me to come in for an appointment to get set up first... which isn't until tuesday. thanks to my sister shannon, i have enough food to last til tuesday. and thanks to my family, i'll not lose my stored posessions until at least may... but it looks like i'll need to sell off what i can just to live. still looking for a job, waiting to hear back from some employment agencies, and getting no help from vocational rehab services. i'm emotionally unstable right now, too. i'm OK one minute and freaking out the next, or whenever i allow myself to think about my entire situation. i'm about a grand in the hole in my checking account, and will likely have to open a new account elsewhere if/when i find work or smells fartgo will take anything and everything they can. and i just KNOW they'll catch up to me. bastards took bailout money from us taxpayers (well, i USED to pay taxes) and yet they'll go after any dollar they can grab from small fish like me.

ok. i think i'm through venting for now.

#11 - My Open Letter to All Americans

Open letter to all Americans who own, demand or command attention and respect:

22.5 Months Unemployed, and Out of Options.

My name is Patrick. I'm 39, a commercial/graphic artist with a
life-long 'working' disability who has been unemployed since May,
2008. I'll get to the nut, hyperbole-free: since May, 2008, I lost my
job, cashed in my 401k, lost my health coverage (twice since then), my
apartment, my money, my health, my independence, and masticated my
pride long ago. All of my personal belongings have been in a storage unit since November, 2008. Today is March 17, 2010. St. Patrick's Day. And my
luck has run out, even after finding three 4-leaf clovers and one
five-leafer last summer AND sharing said-saint's name. My unemployment
ran out four weeks ago with no more extensions in sight. I'm overdrawn
in my checking account due to needing a prescription filled
(writing a rubber check), and the last time I had an actual savings
account was in high school. I'm sans-health insurance, too, as of January, 2010. Two days later one of my wisdom teeth cracked apart. With a
disability, and medications which I need to take regularly in order to
be functional, and having to pay retail for said medications, I'm left
with seemingly non-existent options. I could pawn my GPS, but if I get
calls for interviews it's highly likely I'll get lost somewhere here
in the Twin Cities metro area without it.

In November, 2008, I had to move in with my sister and her family for
eight months after I was evicted from my apartment. If it hadn't been
for her, well, I don't care to speculate. After my welcome was worn
out, mainly due to my sister's own financial issues (as well as mine), I
moved in with a friend, where I'm still living today, rent-free for
now. I had to leave my home town because all of the jobs in my field
dried up and/or were outsourced to the Philippines (i.e. Glenn Taylor
companies). The friend I'm staying with now was unemployed for over a
year as well, but finally found temporary employment last week. After
this, I'll have nowhere else to go without having my 70 year-old
mother compromise her own limited income just to shelter and feed me.
Well, there IS my car, I guess. If it isn't repoed... looks like I'll
be living on the lam and running from the banks. I HAVE always wanted
to take a road trip to see the USA, though... only not like the Joads.

I avidly keep up with current events, watch and read the news when I
can stand to without getting so frustrated and pissed off that I have
to disconnect from it for a while. The one theme I see is that
corporations have the US House and Senate BOUGHT and PAID for. BOTH
parties are guilty of this. And if you don't have the dough, you don't
pass 'go.' I won't get into the blind obstinance, hatred and greed of
the national Republican party, as it's painfully obvious to the discerning
mind. The problem with that is the general public is distracted from
the real issues with their own problems. I mean, who wants to or has
the time to look beyond the mainstream media for some sort of clarity
when they're working two and three jobs while trying to support their
family? And the two parties depend on this 'forced ignorance'. The spewing of lies
and misinformation sickens me, from the Tea 'Baggers' to Limbaugh to Glenn
Beck. And the so-called 'Blue Dog Dems' are just as bad, trying to
score kickbacks while decrying federal spending. In my opinion, the
whole system has been corrupted by greed and self-image. The Quants,
banks, Wall St., insurance companies and corporations (who are now legally 'people') are driven by one fuel: money. That's all. They see no individual human consequences to their actions. They just need to feed the green and gold monster. Nothing else equates.

If you consider yourself a true human being, you care deeply about
what's happening here and all over the world. I'm only one person. I
can only imagine what it's like to have a family in this crisis. I'm
at the end of my proverbial rope. I've experienced things over the
last 5-8 years I thought only existed in books or movies. I've never
been wealthy. Not even close. But I WAS considered middle-class at one
time. That's all changed. My mind is still middle-class, but my
physical self is 'untouchable.' I don't give a tinker's dam about an
individual congressperson's or senator's issues. They were hired to
work for the people, and most of them aren't doing it. I've applied
for nearly every kind of aid out there, and am waiting for a reply.
I've applied for countless jobs and have had two interviews in the
last year. The waiting game is over for me. My credit rating is in the
cellar. I can't take care of myself the way I used to. If I lose my
car to the bank I'll lose my ability to find work (but I can't drive
now because my tabs/plates are expired and can't renew them). I have
14 minutes left on my cell phone and -$175 in the bank. My family's in
nearly the same situation so they can't help me. And my friends have given me so much already that to expect more would be profane. But I'm not soliciting charity. I'm looking for a real chance, an opportunity to pull myself out of the quagmire with both hands. I have a college degree. I've paid my taxes. I do what every American is expected to do. But those opportunities are like the current incarnation of 'The American Dream': people claim it's still out there, but I'm not seeing it. It's time to think about people, REAL people in REAL peril. What little hope I have left is bouyed by my friends and family, but the bilge pump broke long ago. It's time to seal the cracks and begin again. And you can count me in.

With utmost sincerety,

Patrick D. Dentinger

#10 - circling the drain

i just placed a refill order on my pain med, with no money to pay for it. a nice rubber check to float until... i have no idea. i need my med to function properly. and i have an interview tomorrow AM... which was supposed to be yesterday but because i have gabapentin withdrawals... i'm all out of hope, except for my interview. and even that is iffy. i'm about to break another rule by driving w/ expired tabs, which i can not afford, either. nor $18.50 for a new driver's license. i know i'll have to pay IN for taxes this year, too. and i can't even file until i have money. i've felt near-tears multiple times this week, but the tears don't come. if only my emotional numbness transfered to the physical.