#15: 48 hours

man, life's been great. i mean, really great. i've entered a team in the minneapolis 48 hr. film project. i'm in over my head and loving it. no expectations. my 'company' is called 'Feral Art Productions'. FAP. yeah, FAP! in case you don't know, the term 'fap' is slang for masturbation. i had no idea until i learned it in a webcam girl's room a few months ago (hi BUNNIE!). yeah, i fap. and so do you. get over it. anyway, FAP will attempt to write, film and edit a short film in 48 hrs. i'm building a great team so far. my friend karrey, whom i've known since college. she's... how do you describe karrey? wow. she's a pistol. a doll. and a hell of a person. my friend zillah, who has so much experience in writing, acting, filming, editing, idea-ing... we spent 5 hours brainstorming on friday. i'm learning to clear blocks from my thought process; to not be afraid of asking or doing anything creatively. zillah is... man. how does one describe zillah? my plebian vernacular could do her no justice. ha... i was about to say, "well, in a nutshell...", but there's not a shell big enough. easily the greatest actress known by me personally, one hell of a singing voice, a lust for life that rivals few, yet as vulnerable as a child's trust. then there are a few more people, some i know, some i just met, and some yet to meet.

OK, so my life's going along great, when all of a sudden, from out of a blind spot it smashes into me... that OLD, CREEPY, SICKLY feeling. the feeling that, no matter how bad it makes you feel, you're compelled beyond reason to wallow in it. i'm soaking in it now. self-pity. loneliness. unrequited love. whatever you call it. it's a feeling i thought long dead in me. being sick, doped, depressed for so long dulled me to ever feeling interest in the opposite sex again. and having to scrape up change to buy a day's meal on a regular basis does wonders for your libido. you wonder if you'll ever see it again. but it IS there, lurking, skulking in the dark recesses of your psyche just waiting to pounce at the first sign of weakness. then the battle between libido and reason begins...

luckily, reason usually wins. usually.